When I grow up…

I’ve just arrived home from the wedding of one of my friends from school and I’m horribly depressed (there’s an opening sentence that’s bound to leave you wanting more…) and not for the traditional reason. Well – a little for the traditional reason.

This is a girl I spent 6 hours a day with, 5 days a week for 7 years, and I received one of the biggest insults known to man…. and invite to the evening do. I know no one ever means it to be insulting, but no matter who sends it to you there’s always a part of you that is horribly offended and is left wondering why you didn’t deserve an invitation to the whole day!

My friend and I have lost touch, and while I do still see her out and about and get the odd text, it’s nothing close to how we used to be, and that’s grand. People change and have new things going on and you’re not going to be friends with the same people your whole life. The thing that upset me was when I discovered all the other people from school who were invited went for the whole day. Even the person who we all lost touch with and her husband went for the day (though I suspect that was returning the favour.).  It actually caused me physical pain to think about it, and I felt more depressed today than I have done in a really long time.

However, I don’t blame anyone but myself. I found myself left with an awful feeling that I’ve become the outcast of the group. The person who is never out with everyone else and they joke that I’m ‘far too busy to spend time with the likes of us’. Everyone knows one, I just never realised it was me!

I know I’m not the easiest of people to get out of the house, so I really don’t blame her. It was a serious kick in the teeth though, and exactly what I needed. I can’t think of many people I’m not related to who would invite me to their wedding, and that just won’t do. From now on I’m going to make more time for people and try to plan things once in a while. I noticed a while ago I am very rarely the inviter and that just won’t do.

Why people want to spend time with me at all is beyond me, but when I actually get out with people things are great. I don’t know why I’m always so reluctant to do anything, but I suppose it’s all part of being nerdy and socially inept!

Occupational hazards

I’ve been trying to figure out why I find work so annoying and so exhausting! The only time I remember this happening before was when I worked in Tesco… briefly. The problem is, it’s a job where I can’t be myself. I don’t know the people I work with all that well, and likewise they don’t know me all that well.

When I started working in the cinema, I was surrounded by boys. Personally I find it a lot easier to hold a conversation with men than women. As soon as I say anything along the lines of Xbox or Star Wars, you gain a rapport with a bloke. Even if they have no interest in these things whatsoever, they tend to relax and let you be yourself. When I worked in Currys, the majority of the other staff were techies, and being a geek is nothing to shout about.

In a Jewelery shop, the majority of the staff are girls, and girly girls at that (Except, I discovered, one girl who is a techie but only works part time). It may sound ridiculous, but I’m kinda worried about outing myself as a geek, and there’s really not much I feel passionate about that wouldn’t make me look like a freak if I talked about it. Without passion for anything, going about your daily business is just exhausting. Trying to be someone else constantly isn’t normal, and I really miss having a job where I can just relax and be myself! I keep thinking I must seem so boring to the people I work with.

The problem is, even if I do out myself I don’t see it making much of a difference because there’s no one I can really relate to. On the other hand, maybe I’ve completely misjudged everyone and geeking out at work might make it far more bearable!